"So why do you want to marry him?" I've asked a few girls in my time.
Inevitably they say with a dewy look in their eye, "Because I love him."
I nod and smile...and then respond with "So?"
Honestly, I can't think of a worse reason to get married. I know they say that love is strong, but I find the emotion a little harder to pin down. Love can be strong. Certainly it's strong enough to provide some initial heat and make us a little crazy, but after that, love can be very fragile indeed. It can wither, and thin, and sometimes disappear altogether. I don't think you can really count on love alone.
Don't misunderstand. I love Mr. Wicke. But that funny little fluttering feeling that I had 16 years ago when we first met? It's long gone. It's been replaced by something better. Something safe, and peaceful, and solid, and deep. Really, really deep. Sometimes so deep that it nearly turns my stomach inside out. But it's taken a lot of work, patience, effort, forgiveness, compromise, and understanding to get there. Oh, and some love, too.
They also say that love is blind, and how true that seems to be, especially at the beginning of a relationship. That's why relying on love alone to make the most important decision of your life is just too dangerous. After all, you can be absolutely besotted with someone who is very bad for you.
Twenty-something women seem particularly prone to such poor judgement. In my early twenties, my friends and I were inexorably drawn to the charismatic charmer, the life of the party, the guy whom everyone wanted so he was ever so much harder to get. Whereas the good, solid, stable guy just seemed so boring. The problem with the life of the party, though, is that when life is no longer a party, he usually turns out to be far less charming. How sad it is to come out of that initial love haze to find that your partner is one you can not respect. I'll tell you what, now that my friends and I are in our thirties with a baby or three on our hip and our shoulders heavy with responsibilities, that boring, stable, rock-solid, noble man is absolutely dripping with sex appeal.
When I ask, "Why do you want to marry him," what I really want to hear is: "Because I love him, AND..." because I think you should marry for love. Just do yourself a favor and choose someone to love who is good and kind. Kindness can heal a lot of wounds the world will inflict. Choose someone who is loyal, faithful, and trustworthy--for your own good and your own peace of mind. Choose someone who brings out the best in you because no one will influence you more, for good or ill. Choose someone to love who shares your vision for life, unless, of course, you are looking to get far offtrack. Choose someone you would want to raise your children because he will. Choose someone you can live with just as they are; odds are he won't change that much. Choose someone who, in those moments when love is fragile, will be your friend and safe harbour.
Oh, yes. Marry for love. Just be smart about it. Life is full of twists and turns. Like I said, I wouldn't count on love alone.
12 comments:
How come you are so smart? I wish I could write as well as you do! I feel like each post is something that should be printed in a magazine.
I totally agree...love fades it that is all you are basing a relationship on...there has to be more to it! I feel so lucky to be married to someone that I love...but I also really LIKE! I did good considering I was only 18 years old when I picked him!
BRILLIANT! Do you think you could send that in to the Ensign? Or the New Era? Send it to the Friend for that matter. Heck, let's teach em while they're young.
AMEN SISTER! Thanks for reminding me why I married him! I am at work & now I can' wait to go home!
When I read your post today, I felt overwhelmed with memories of my past.
The poor decisions I made that caused me and people who loved me a lot of pain, based on the fact that "I loved him" alone.
When you think that love alone can mend what ever and whom ever, you are sorely mistaken. I learned that the hard way. I was very young and naive, but it still would have hurt the same if I would have been older.
So why did I still love him? I knew he was Mr Wrong. For a long time that was hard for me to reconcile with.
I understand now that you can love a lot of different people in your lifetime, that doesn't mean that their who you should marry.
You definately have to base that decision on a lot more than just, "I love him."
When I stop and think of all the great reasons why I married Robert, I realize why I love him so much. Even though Robert is flawed and not the ferfect man, he is the perfect man for me.
That is a good feeling to know that.
Thanks for the insights today on this topic. It is good for me to remember and be thankful for what I have now.
Love you.
I couldn't agree more. What an excellent post!
A little off topic: I don't know if you're actively trying, but you're writing/story-telling is getting better all the time. I've really noticed you've taken it up a notch over the past few weeks.
Knock it off, will ya? I can't keep up with that, okay? Cut us non-English majors some slack! Geesh! ;P
Well said, of course. I forwarded this to my little sister who is in a predicament with 2 boys. I keep telling her the dorky ones are the keepers, but maybe this will further the point.
I married a "dorky one" and never made a better decision in my life!!! I keep telling my daughter that the most important decision she will ever make IS who the father of her children will be. That one you just have to get right or the rest of your life is misereable!
Thankfully, I was wise beyond my years when I got married at 20 and picked the "stable and boring life of the party"--after knowing him for less than a year! Twenty years later and I love him more now than I ever imagined but best of all--I still LIKE him!! :-)
I want you to be my daughters laurel advisor when she is 17. Okay!
How ironic! I have been thinking alot about this very subject lately! Someone recently was talking about how "bored" they were now that all the foo-foo la-la crap is gone, and how they wished they could go back to either dating or newlywed status. I did a fake gaging noise, and told them that you couldn't pay me enough to do that all over again. Seriously.
To me, that dating/newlywed state is fake... Where I am 15 years, 4kids, 2 cross country moves and a mortgage later is Oh! so much better. Stable, predictable, and REAL companions. I will take this "boringness" any day.
Great post! As always!
oh wise one... can I print this and put it in the yw manuals... you are awesome. Keep writing.
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