Monday, May 12, 2008

9 Years of Mother's Days: A Personal History

I have a long, sordid past with Mother's Day. Years 1-5 of our marriage I still loved the sentiment of the holiday. Not quite ready to be a mother anyway, it wasn't a holiday I yet applied to myself. I was content to allow my own mother that role and my thoughts on that day centered on her many, unrecorded sacrifices for me.

Something changed in year 6. Then in our late 20's, it was evident that we were lagging behind our peers in the progeny department. We had begun fielding questions like, "Are you EVER going to have a baby? When are you going to start a family? Do you guys even want kids?" The outside pressure mounted and inside the quiet walls of our marriage we had questions of our own, like, "What is wrong with us? Why isn't it happening? Have I done something wrong to make this happen? Will he/she still love me if we can't have kids?" Mother's Day became an uncomfortable reminder of what we felt was missing in our lives, but I was able to force a smile and endure.

My journal entry in year 7 is very revealing: "It is Mother's Day today. I woke up dreading it. It's kind of an awful reminder to those without children, and it's rather humiliating to see the pity in the eyes of other young mothers who give you a little extra enthusiasm as they tell you what a 'wonderful mother you'll be someday,' and then they hug you a little harder and longer than normal. The worst part is when the young women pass out the Mother's Day presents [at church]. Either they rush over to make sure you're not left out, or they look as if they don't know whether to give you one or not. Either way it is quite awful.

"I have not started my period this month, and I am haltingly hopeful. I have felt nauseous all week, but a pregnancy test showed a negative result. I dare not hope, but I can't help it. Hope springs eternal. I hate how I wait each month, listening desperately to my body, conscious of anything unusual. I don't really know what I'm looking for. It seems all of the symptoms of pregnancy are the symptoms of PMS--that's a nasty joke on women! I doubt that I am, but wouldn't it be marvelous?

"...I know [Thomas] is as impatient as I. He is wonderfully gentle with me. He loves me intensely and I am sure of nothing more than his eternal devotion. He is truly a man in all the goodness and strength which that word implies. He is 'as constant as the Northern star.' He is the only man I have given my entire trust and dependence to. I would so love to give him a child. If I can't...The thought brings tears to my eyes, and I can not think of it."

By year 8 we were in the midst of doctor's visits and unanswered questions. I had reached my breaking point. As I recorded in February of that year: "These last few months have been the most difficult of my life. There are two unfillable voids in my life: The loss of my father and my desire for children. The great emptiness I feel on both counts weighs heavily. I have gone through a myriad of emotions: sorrow, anger, disbelief, self-pity, humility , lack of faith, and then faith again. I try to fill my life with study, prayer, and good books to fill my spirit and inspire me to continue one step at a time trusting in the Lord. But my arms feel so empty. I can't describe it, but I had this visual image last night come to my mind: I'm surrounded by women, and we are bringing our offering to the Lord. Those around me raise their arms to heaven and I see one with an abundance of grain, another with wheat spilling over; it's a thing of beauty watching them offer up that which they have toiled over; that which has grown beautiful through their care, but which has also created glory in them. And I look to my own arms finding them empty. How did this happen? I want to hide them--those empty arms--and I fall on my face hoping that the Lord will be merciful.

"I can not see the Lord's will. I'm not even sure what to hope for because to hope seems frightening. But I declare that I trust in His plan for me--whatever that is. I will abide by it because I know the process will benefit me in the end. He is in the midst of creating my better self; and although I can not see the final product, I am beginning to see some refinement."

We skipped Mother's Day that year. I couldn't take it, so we got in the car and drove up into the mountains and spent the weekend in a little motel watching movies and reading. Trusting in the Lord or not, sometimes you just need break.

Little did I know, however, that His promised silver lining was just around the corner. That summer we began the adoption process and by the next Mother's Day I had this to say:

"Logan Darling, This year has been the first Mother's Day in many years where I've had something to celebrate. I had you my sweet, little darling sleeping in my arms and tears of gratitude in my eyes. I can't remember my life before you. It feels as if my life really began on the day you were born. Every part of my existence is wrapped up in you, and I love it! Logan, my love, there are no accidents. I believe in a divine plan. God is good. He is in control. He made us a family."

This year, as I tried to write an entry the only sentence I could write was: "Today I am just grateful." In the hectic drumbeat that is daily existence, when I have a moment to stop and contemplate the true joys of my life, my thoughts always center on my children. I know exactly how lucky I am. I know because I walked on the other side for a brief time. I am truly lucky and blessed to be a mother.

Yet, even as I write this, I realize that there are other women out there struggling through the sadness of lost dreams or seemingly unanswered prayers. I never pass a Mother's Day without thinking of them, the sisters of my heart. To them I would say, God has not forgotten you. He is in the midst of your sorrow, and he can create miracles out of painful circumstances. The story is long and His silver lining, in its vast and varied versions, is promised. Hold on.

18 comments:

Lisa-Marie said...

That was absolutely beautiful Laurel. I'm happy that you feel so abundantly grateful where you are at in your life.

I'm sure you are going to inspire many today. You inspired me.

Thank you for sharing your heart.

lletrad said...

All I can say is, "Wow!" You are absolutely incredible.

Shana said...

Well, you did it! I have never cried reading a blog entry before. But you made it happen.
I loved your honest and heart felt entry today. Amazing your journey and how far you have come. Maybe you will go even further next year?
You are such a wonderful mother. You two children needed someone just like you. How lucky they are.
Happy Mother's Day!
XOXO

Rochelleht said...

You're the best! That was beautiful!!

The Kriloff Klan said...

Thank you for that Laurel! You inspire me & I know the offering that you have for the Lord will be amazing! Thank you for your example of motherhood!

"The Queen in Residence" said...

What a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing your personal hardship.

I think that is one of the questions that I want the Lord to answer, "Why was my dream of becoming a mother so long and difficult in coming?" A part of me already knows the answer - because he wanted me to turly cherish motherhood when it finally came - but, I want to hear it from him. I am sure that it will also contain His love for me and how I needed to reach the point where I could really rely on him and have faith that it was His wish and not my will that was being done.
I think that fairness in this life is really the biggest challenge that we face, in looking around it seems that no on has it any easier then the next. We all have moments that challenge the soul and it is the way that we handle it that makes us rise to the top. Just as you stated, we reach a point where we are truly grateful.

Lauren said...

Thank you for sharing your personal thoughts. You are truly an inspiration to everyone. Thank you. Loves...

Madame Queen said...

That was one of the most beautiful, moving things I've ever read. Thank you for sharing your struggles and happiness with us.

Elisa said...

I can hardly see the screen through all my tears. I have walked both sides of that fence as well... and as I sit here holding MY little miracle... Well. You gave me the much needed reminder of all that I have be thankful for.

Thank you for writing something so absolutely beautiful! It was what I needed today.

Some day when your babies read this post (and your journal entries) they will know how blessed they were to call you Mother.

Anonymous said...

I have tears streaming down my face at your beautiful post. Your heart breaking struggles came to life on the page. Thank you for sharing such a personal heart ache.

I'm soo glad your story has a happy one!

mother of seven said...

Wow ....Laurel you are truly amazing. Your ability to write so wonderfully and put your thoughts on paper so perfectly. Your children are lucky to have you as well as Mr. Wicke. I am lucky enough to have you as a friend.

Thanks for another great post!!!!

Amanda said...

Never a more beautiful post has been written. Thank you for sharing your inner most self with us.

Shane Meredith Mason and Kendall said...

that was so well put. If I knew how to write so well, i would of thought it was from me! Really, we went through and felt ALL of those things. And I always think of the women out there that are still waiting for THEIR baby..and so greatful my time has come!

Kate said...

Thank you... and amen to all the other comments as well... those two beautiful children of yours are so lucky to have you...

Debbie said...

Well put and exactly the things we felt for so long until our miracles also arrived! I am SO grateful for the blessings of adoption! Good luck on your next miracle!

Laurel said...

What a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing.

desert mom said...

Beautiful!! Thank you Laurel for sharing. I know there are many who have felt as you. I hope that every woman whether blessed with children or not realizes the important role she has in nurturing children every where.

You are a wonderful mother!! I'm grateful for your little miracles as well. They will treasure your blog when they're older.

Melissa said...

Thanks for sharing that. You are one AMAZING mother. I am so glad I know you!