Lately I've been giving a lot of thought to the topic of gossip, and before I finalize my thoughts, I'd like your opinion. What constitutes gossip? I mean never having a conversation about another person seems a little naive. We humans, especially the female type, are all about relationships and connections. Certainly inquiring about a mutual friend does not constitute gossip, or does it? Or is it the intent that accompanies it?
In your opinion, where does conversation end and gossip begin?
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
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13 comments:
hmm, that is a tough question. because I LOVE GOSSIP. People are always telling me, NOW this is just between you and me, and I am so torn, because I am human and OF COURSE I want to know, but at the same time I could not keep a secret even to rescue my kids from a burning building. also I have a HUGE collection of gossip rags at work, keeping up with Britney, Angelina, Jessica, Jennifer, et al has become somewhat of a sad, pathetic hobby of mine...
so to sum up, gossip is bad, but I love it. Like french fries. Also gossip has the negative implication/frisson of underhandedly tearing someone down, as opposed to simply discussing a friend, which would be conversation.
hope this gives you something to go on! and if not, I give you permission to gossip about my stupid comment on your blog!
I definitely think intent plays a big part in whether or not something is gossip. If you're asking someone about a mutual friend out of genuine concern, then I don't think that qualifies as gossip. Now if you turned around and repeated what you found out to every single person you know, then it would become gossip. I also think it depends on if you know for a fact that what you're repeating is true (but see rule above -- genuine concern = not gossip). If you're repeating something that you just heard and you have no way of knowing that it's true or not, then that definitely leans towards gossip in my book.
I struggle because I hate hate hate gossip and yet find myself doing it. I think that if we wouldn't say it to their face, we shouldn't say it period. I think whether what you are saying is true or not, it doesn't matter. If it is hurtful or negative, it shouldn't be talked about. I have gotten much much better over the years but I still struggle. But, I am definitely Fort Knox when it comes to secrets. If you tell me not to repeat something I will not ever under any circumstances repeat it. I know a secret my dad told me about a family member that I haven't even told my mom and I've carried that secret for 12 years and I will till my dying day. For the record, my mom knows the secret too, just doesn't know that I know...
I think gossip is whenever you tell something that someone else was rude, etc. It doesn't need to be told. It just doesn't. What if someone had that same conversation about you? Wouldn't that just crush you?
My Visiting Teacher comes and spends an hour gossiping and I spend an hour defending and trying to change the subject. It is lots of fun, let me tell you.
Your blog is so thought provoking. I love it!
Thank you for this post. Gossip can be so hurtful. Then at the same time, I think that some people are very easy to offend and that is tiresome.
I like to be "in the loop" and know what all is going on with the people that I care about. It is easier to care for each other, help out with things, and know the best ways to volunteer to help. Many of these things you don't know unless you are aware.
Also, it is nice to hear other people's stories so that I can avoid/prep/or tackle things that are coming in the future. (esp. concerning the kids)
I am not perfect AT ALL about this topic. I just try to think of the Golden Rule. Would I like it if someone asked about, _______? or was talking about ______ concerning me? If the answer is "NO" then I try to refrain. It is difficult sometimes... let's be honest, almost ALL OF THE TIME! :)
Thanks for the great post.
If you couldn't say it in front of the person - it's gossip.
Agree, Agree, Agree, Agree.
Definitely don't think it is okay to say something just because it is true. Most gossip IS true. We ALL have our shortcomings and are very aware of most of them ourselves. We don't need/want anyone else splashing them all over the place.
I agree that if it isn't something you would discuss with the person in question, then don't discuss it.
Thank you for even bringing up the subject. Just your mention of it, is a good reminder for me to be better. I loathe gossip, and yet... fall into the trap myself sometimes. (Probably more than sometimes.)
I really don't mean to be devil's advocate...
What is there is something that you don't want to mention like, "are you still dating that guy?" or "has your husband found a job yet?"
Some questions are uncomfortable, but are good for people to know but are difficult to ask.
I think this is a great thing for all women to think about, myself especially. First of all, I think we too often get our feelings hurt and in an upset over what someone said or what we think they think, WOW! Gossip is tough because there are people that thrive on it, purely to make themselves feel better. I mean really, why else do we talk about the pitfalls of anothers life, unless it makes us feel a little better about our own?? In that same thought, we may talk about others lives in an effort to better understand our own, or to seek another opinion etc. My point is, we need to be offended less. If we are offending we need to apologize and do better, if we are offended we need to make the choice to let it go.
I think this quote by David Bednar is so fitting,
"It ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else."
Last thing, and I am off this box.
I in no way want to imply that if we are offended several times by someone that we need to keep letting it go and letting them back in to do it again. We are responsible for our own lives and protecting our own lives. We need to be aware of people's motives and what they do with what they know.
The End.
Funny...I was just thinking about this subject last night. It's sure hard to be a woman, I mean you're right, relationships are so important to us. But sometimes even the most well intended inquiries etc. can be misinterpreted if heard by the person. I've decided the only answer is to go with your gut feeling when approaching the conversation. I try not to participate/initiate if it gives me that twinge of guilt.
Let me know if you do discover the magic answer!
I think you hit it right on the head... it's the intent that separates curiosity from gossip.
Are you talking about the people around you because you're genuinely care about them, or are you doing it because you get some deep down pleasure from the travails of others.
For me gossip is when things get malicious and hurtful. Like when someone is judgemental or talks about someone else in a negative way especially to make themselves feel better. I love this question though because I agree that you can't go without talking about people in general but if it's hurtful in any way it's best not to say anything. Oh and it's Ashley Albright from church, I just found your blog while blog hopping.
For me it's all about intention. Where your heart is, there should your mouth be also...
Very good points... I think we all know when it is gossip or not... it is all in the motives... Do we want juice or do we genuinely care about the person... I have learned (the hard way) that my perceptions are not always (or most of the time they are not) true... we never know what people are going through... I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt- and most of the time later I find out it holds true!
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