Cakes, Costco and Cops

Well, it started all so innocently. Kathlynn put me in charge of ordering a cake for the big 4th of July Country/Family Birthday celebration. She was very specific: She wanted a full flat cake from Costco, white with raspberry filling, decorated with Happy Birthday followed by a long list of names. It has been on my to-do list now for about 3 weeks, but anyone who knows me also knows that to-do lists are more like suggestion lists until the deadline is imminent. Today is the 2nd: clearly deadline time. Still, not to worry. Things generally come together for me, even at the last minute. And this was hardly the last minute. The last minute would be the evening of the 3rd, so actually I was ahead of schedule.

The problem was and is that the phone number to our local Costco is not easy to find: It is not listed in the yellow pages, and added to that I was trying to scrub my house top to bottom in preparation for the party, plus my parents-in-law had just arrived. My brain was swimming a bit, admittedly. But mostly I'm blaming it on my father-in-law because he was talking to me while I was dialing information. See? I'm sure it was his fault that I dialed 911 instead of 411. And while we are on the subject, does anyone really think it is a good idea that those numbers are so similar? The need for information is hardly related to an emergency, so why the cousin numbers?

I was listening and dialing, nodding, smiling, when suddenly I heard an ever-so-calm voice say, "You've reached 911 emergency, please don't hang up--"

I didn't hear the rest because I hung up. It was instinct! I felt like the kid who pulled the fire alarm bell in elementary school. Why would I stand there waiting for the principal to arrive only to say, "Yes. I know I wasn't supposed to do that. It was...an accident?" No! Everyone knows you turn around, run, and hope they never find you. But being an adult with more life experience I do know they will call you right back, (...just so you know children should never be left alone in a room with a phone after learning about the 9-1-1 sequence...) So, anyway, it was no suprise when the phone rang.

I didn't let them say a word before I blurted, "I am SO SORRY! This is going to sound so STUPID, but I was trying to call 411 (...and what? I have number dyslexia? I had a really bad kindergarten teacher?) I don't know what I was THINKING! It was a total accident."

"So everything is alright there?"

"Yes! I'm just a complete idiot." (This was probably already apparent.)

"I will contact the responding officer. They are already on their way."

"Oh! Please do. Tell them there is no need, and I am SO SORRY!"

"They may still come out just to check things out."

"Oh, oh, I hope they don't. Really. Tell them we are fine here. Just...stupid."

"We'll do, ma'am."

Fast forward a bit later, and ringa-dinga-ding-dong, there stood a uniformed officer at my door, sweat running down the side of his face. (We are on a high heat alert here in Mesa. Lucky us.)

"I am SO SORRY!..." I was already halfway through my greeting before I fully opened the door and then proceeded with the "stupid" speech.

He was not amused. And all I could focus on was the sweat dripping down the side of his face, feeling ultimately responsible that he had to leave the sweet air conditioning of his black and white.

At this precise moment my husband took to attempting a bit of humor. "Don't listen to her, Officer. She is a serial 911 offender." And he walked to his office, leaving me standing there.

Huh?! Isn't that a bit like yelling bomb on an airplane? What was he thinking?!

"Heh, heh...my husband, yeah, he thinks he's really good with the sarcasm..." (He's not, which is what I keep telling him. It's only sarcasm if people recognize it! If they stand there looking bewildered like Mr. Cop Man, then you didn't nail it!!) "Anyway, I told the woman on the phone there was no need for you to come out here."

"Yeah, we have to respond to every 911 call. So everything alright here?"


What I wanted to say was, Not really because, see, I put off ordering the cake, and now I can't find the number, my in-laws just got in, so it's not a great time to run into Costco, so if you wouldn't mind... "Oh, yeah! Just feeling stupid." (Have I said that enough yet?) As he was walking away I added, "Hey, I promise you'll never have to come out here again!"

Unless, of course, I don't get the cake and the party turns ugly. Maybe I spoke too soon.