Thursday, June 26, 2008

Aimless


I don't do well when I can't foresee the immediate future. There was that period of time after graduating from college and none of our post-college plans had worked. Suddenly we were bereft of a plan, just floating on "now what?" I had my degree, but had not applied for a teaching job because we hadn't known where or when we would be moving. Our expectations for grad school hadn't panned out, however, and I had taken my old waitressing job while Thomas worked for my dad. Other than that, I spent a lot of time on the couch. It was a humbling time.

I remember my mom saying one day, "What is wrong with you?" and rightly so. I was not myself.

Now, I may not have had enough energy to get my hiney off the couch, but I mustered enough for sarcasm. "Gee? I don't know...You think I might be just a titch depressed? Maybe? I mean what could possibly be wrong when we are living with my parents, and I'm working the same job I had in HIGH SCHOOL? Wow. I really don't know what could be the trouble."

Ever heard of kicking the dog? Anyway, that period of our lives was short-lived. In a couple of months we had found our way again, but I've never forgotten how I felt. I think it was the first time in my life when I didn't have a plan. I'm a fairly driven person, and I like to know where I'm headed; I like having a vision for my life. No. I need a vision for my life.

Right now I don't have one, and to tell you the truth, I'm having a hard time getting off the couch this week. Any minute now, Mr. Wicke is going to look at me and say, "What is wrong with you?" I just know it. But I need a plan. I need to know which way the wind is blowing and then I can man the rudder and set the sails. Until then I'm pretty aimless.

And for the record, I still don't like how that feels.

9 comments:

Erin said...

I am so right there with you! But I'm sure a wind will pick up and you life will be all crazy busy again. We are so in limbo land right now it is driving me crazy. I told Bill that I am totally okay with living in a hotel and staying in bed all day for at least a week. We'll see what happens.

Lisa-Marie said...

Can you take a day and "float?" Isn't that what you call it? I can't remember. But I do know that you need to do whatever YOU NEED to right now. If that means spending a lot of time on the couch then so be it. Beating yourself up over it won't make you feel better. Wish I lived closer. I'm always up for ice cream or something. Ice cream always makes me feel better. If not just for a few minutes anyway.

Take care. Know that I think of you everyday. Every time I open my blogroll and you are highlighted I get all nervous and jittery.

With much love and peaceful thoughts sent your way,

Lisa-Marie

Deanna said...

The song "Mama said there'd be days like this" just popped into my head...Sometimes we just can't help that our lives are in limbo and we are playing the 'waiting game'...and every once in a while we just need a REALLY good pity party.(I celebrated mine last week.)And darnit it's okay. "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to" Thank goodness for blogs and girlfriends... Sometimes 'floating' reminds us how good it feels to 'row'. Love you and thinking soooo much of you and missing you more than you know.

Rochelleht said...

Oh, I really hate that, too. I'm sure all the crazy hormones aren't helping you. I'm with Lisa-Marie. Time for a float day.

Jennifer said...

I think what you're feeling right now is what we all experience every now and then, and you know what? It's God's way of reminding us that we aren't as in control of things as we'd like to think. Think of yourself as a bird and just ride this current right now - even if that means sitting on the couch for a bit. Sometimes it feels good to just dwell in it for a little while. Love you!

mother of seven said...

I'm sitting here with my fingers crossed.....

Madame Queen said...

Do you think some of this has to do with waiting to find out "the answer"? I mean, the answer you're waiting for could change the direction of your life drastically. Once you know the answer, then you can make a plan.

Amber said...

Laurel...those are the tough times, the ones that make us appreciate the days where life seems to be headed in the right direction. I have them, we all do. Soon you will be where you need to be and you will fly.
Thanks for the email and for the friendship.

Laurel said...

Madame Queen,

That is totally what I mean. Until I know, I can't even tell what life is going to be like. I just want an answer. That's all.