I don't do well when I can't foresee the immediate future. There was that period of time after graduating from college and none of our post-college plans had worked. Suddenly we were bereft of a plan, just floating on "now what?" I had my degree, but had not applied for a teaching job because we hadn't known where or when we would be moving. Our expectations for grad school hadn't panned out, however, and I had taken my old waitressing job while Thomas worked for my dad. Other than that, I spent a lot of time on the couch. It was a humbling time.
I remember my mom saying one day, "What is wrong with you?" and rightly so. I was not myself.
Now, I may not have had enough energy to get my hiney off the couch, but I mustered enough for sarcasm. "Gee? I don't know...You think I might be just a titch depressed? Maybe? I mean what could possibly be wrong when we are living with my parents, and I'm working the same job I had in HIGH SCHOOL? Wow. I really don't know what could be the trouble."
Ever heard of kicking the dog? Anyway, that period of our lives was short-lived. In a couple of months we had found our way again, but I've never forgotten how I felt. I think it was the first time in my life when I didn't have a plan. I'm a fairly driven person, and I like to know where I'm headed; I like having a vision for my life. No. I need a vision for my life.
Right now I don't have one, and to tell you the truth, I'm having a hard time getting off the couch this week. Any minute now, Mr. Wicke is going to look at me and say, "What is wrong with you?" I just know it. But I need a plan. I need to know which way the wind is blowing and then I can man the rudder and set the sails. Until then I'm pretty aimless.
And for the record, I still don't like how that feels.
