Female Thinking and the Nice Guy

Last night, between segments of Sports Center and when we got bored with the 50th repeat of the Yankees/Angels highlights, we flipped to Dateline.  Okay, I flipped to Dateline, and I didn't catch much, but what I did see was a woman who, after being married for 8 years to a man she thought was a retired rear admiral, not only found out he was none of the things he said he was, but was nearly killed by him with an ether soaked rag.  Wow. 

During the next flip, she related how she now thought that her car accident, fall down a flight of stairs, that glimpse of a gun in his briefcase, may all add up to attempts on her life.  Five attempts on her life to be exact.  Wowsy.

When we flipped back again, the interviewer said, "How did you feel when you got the news he had died?" 

And she said, "I cried."

"After all he had done to you, you cried when you heard he had died."

"Well, I loved him.  We had a lot of good times together.  It was like he was two different people.  There was the man that was good to me, that I loved, and there was the man that lied to me and tried to kill me."

Thomas and I gaped at each other.  Uhhhh...

I didn't watch the rest.  Sports Center was finally playing the football highlights, but Dateline is on loop in my brain, because sadly, I think that woman represents a lot of female thinking, albeit on a dramatically enlarged scale.  But if you boil it down, I bet we see this kind of thinking infect many relationships in a more subtle way.

For example:  A few years ago I was at my mom's house for a visit.  A number of us were playing cards late one night, and my niece, a freshman in college, was talking about her friend and her friend's on and off again boyfriend who had gotten her pregnant, deserted her, and was in and out of the picture.  I don't remember the details of the conversation, but I remember that she said, "I mean, he's a nice guy--"  I heard the brakes screech in my brain.

"No, he's not."  I interrupted none too politely.  "He is not a nice guy.  A guy who gets a girl pregnant, does nothing to help her, and deserts his child is NOT a nice guy.  Period."

Why do some women excuse bad behavior in the name of love?

The guy treats her badly around his friends, playing it cool, but "he's not that way when we're alone."  The guy lies to her, "but it was only that once."  The guy cheats on his wife/girlfriend, "but he'd never do that to me."  The guy is jealous and controlling, "but it's only because he loves me."

Somehow she seperates that bad behavior from everything she wants to see.  And she settles for potential rather than actuality.  She ignores all the red flags and hopes that it will be different later.  She wouldn't play those odds in Vegas, but she'll play them with her life. 

I want to tell every young girl this:  Please, let's not dishonor the real nice guys out there by ever using the phrase, "...but he's a nice guy" to excuse bad behavior.  Truly nice guys have it hard enough as it is.  They may not be exciting, and charasmatic, and king of the grand gesture, but they are good, and honest, and reliable.  They don't need to be divided and subdivided to make sense.  They don't keep you guessing.  They are straightforward and easy to read.  They are there when you need them.  Solid.  Good.  And nice.  Let's let them keep that title.  They actually deserve it.