What I'm suggesting is that in giving up the notions of female virtue, chastity, and modesty, we have, in fact, given up our inherent power. Despite the injustices that women have faced throughout history, God ensured that we wielded a weapon for balance: our power of attraction. By giving men an abundance of testosterone and an overwhelming sex drive, He made it possible for women to tame the conduct of men.
There was a day when men had to earn a woman's affection. Without gentlemanly conduct, no decent woman would have him. He would actually have to prove himself through effort and commitment. Now we have thrown those "old-fashioned" and "sexist" notions out the window; we've convinced ourselves that it is a sign of weakness to expect anything of men at all and they owe us nothing.
There are a few women who see things differently, but the overarching attitude of our society puts them in a real pickle. If they aren't willing to bed a man with no strings attached, there are a thousand other women who will. Is it a wonder our young girls (and not so young girls) fall victim to a sense of desperation? And so it leads us to where we began, with a lost and confused child saying: “A lot of the guys, if I didn’t have unprotected sex with them, they would get mad at me and I still wanted that closeness with them...I was afraid if I didn’t do what they wanted, they wouldn’t be my friend.”
I do think our we need to educate our kids, specifically our girls, but we need to talk about a lot more than sex. We need to restore the virtues that are their inherent feminine strengths. "We said it was sexist to suggest womanhood meant something more than just breasts and lipstick, and now we are left wondering why we are stuck with just breasts and lipstick. The temporal feminine has replaced the eternal feminine. The expectation that we be good is gone, but filling the void is the pressure to be good in bed" (Shalit, 143).
Mothers, women, this is a cry to battle. We must undo the damage that has been done.
Friday, November 21, 2008
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7 comments:
Let's not OVERestimate our God-given power of attraction. There are a lot of aspects of life (I'd like to think 99%)that have nothing to do with how attractive we are, and what is that notion saying for women and girls who may not be appealing to those testosterone and sex driven men? (I try to avoid those kind of men, who wants to "tame" them anyway?) I still really value one of the goals of the feminist movement--to be given credit (and equal pay) for the talents and hard-earned accomplishments that women have in whatever sphere they chose to pursue. Where the feminist movement got it wrong was like you said "giving up the notions of female virtue, chastity, and modesty" as well as trying to say that we don't need men (like fish don't need bicycles).
I think mass media has done a great job in leading women to believe that they are only as good as they are sexy, a myth I hope to dispel in my own house and not pass on to my daughters.
I would rather have my daughters as teenagers understand that they are wonderful just how they are without the approval of the sex driven boys. If a girl says that she'll have sex just to feel close to a guy or for his friendship, she doesn't understand her (to quote the YW theme) infinite worth. In other words she has a low self esteem. She needs to be valued for who she is and not what she can do to please people, she needs to realize her talents and potential. That is what our job as mothers and adults is to do, build them up,and support them in all of their worthy aspirations so they are not looking for approval from people who don't deserve their time of day, think "pearls before swine."
We must also avoid overgeneralizing men as all being "sex-driven." That is how mass media portrays men and that is how it feels in high school, but I still maintain a hope that there are plenty of respectful, thoughtful, prudent young men who value virtuous women. Isn't that the kind you want your girls to marry anyway. Give me respectful nerd over demeaning jock any day.
Heather,
Ahhh! I love a good conversation about deep topics. Thanks for playing! This is a topic that fascinates me.
I totally and completely agree. When I use the term "attraction" I use in terms of the whole female--certainly NOT just physical. That was the whole point of my essay. (Maybe I did a bad job of communicating that.) I wholeheartedly believe that men and women need each other for the very differences we possess. THAT is the "attraction." And that encompasses--or should encompass--our abilitites, virtues and talents.
That is why I am so perplexed as to why "liberated" women depend so much on bare skin, "breasts and lipstick." It should infuriate us that that is what we are left with, but sadly we've done it to ourselves by ignoring and undermining all of the divinely appointed feminine qualities.
And I agree that there is much more to men that being sex driven. However, that is a much larger part of their nature than it is for us women. In fact, I think we don't understand it most of the time--how powerful it really is. And I think God intended it to be that way so that men will commit to one woman. So that he will take on the responsibility of family. So that he will work every day to provide. Without some serious enticement, it would be easy to walk away from such heavy duties.
Just look at many men today who shy away from commitment. It's a whole lot easier to do when women are handing themselves out for free.
If females everywhere said, "No woman for you until you straighten up and fly right" we'd see a lot more guys behaving in a way that is worthy of the label MAN.
I LOVE men, and good men are out there. But I also think there are a lot of guys in this world. And the women in their life should demand more. We need to know our worth and not settle for less. That's what I hope to communicate to my daughter, too.
I'm glad I have you in the foxhole with me!!
Yes! The whole "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" idea. Despite the predicament that many women and girls are in today feeling pressured to prove their worth with their sex appeal, I am still grateful to be "liberated." I would rather choose to be modest (in dress and conduct) than have it thrust on me.
Tell me more about the attraction thing. I hate to admit it, and it is even more proof of the problem, that it is hard for me to grasp how else our femininity makes us powerful. I like the idea, but I my brain has accepted the masochistic notion that women have to be like men to compete with them (or work side by side with them)as reality. Like part of me thinks that when a woman is working in a male dominated environment, she shouldn't flaunt her femininity, as to not distract them. But that gets back into the testosterone thing, and the feminist denying femininity thing. We are left with the only image of femininity as a sexualized one. So part of me wants to say, she shouldn't try to be like a man (and not just in appearances) to do a good job and get paid well for it, but it is hard to know what she would be like. It goes back to societies stereotypes of women--if they are assertive than they are the B word, but if they are not then they are letting men walk all over them.
I've been following your last three posts about women today. I find your words and thoughts very interesting and very true. I agree with you 100%.
I think the problem for most women lies in trying to find a balance between letting your femininity shine out while being successful and strong. It can be a hard balance in the world that we live in today, but I think the answer is that we need to love ourselves first! Not in a selfish, it is all about me kind of way. But the healthy kind. When you know who you are, what you stand for, and where you are going. You love your skin that you are in and you treat yourself with respect.
THEN, the world doesn't have such power over you to drag you into thinking in world's way, or acting in the world's way.
I am not naive, although a lot of people think that Mormons are. I know it is important to educate my children about sex. But that is my job to do in my home, to ensure that it is taught right. Not somebody else's view of a healthy sex life. As we can all see, the world's view of a "healthy" sex life, really doesn't turn out that great.
I've been following your last three posts about women today. I find your words and thoughts very interesting and very true. I agree with you 100%.
I think the problem for most women lies in trying to find a balance between letting your femininity shine out while being successful and strong. It can be a hard balance in the world that we live in today, but I think the answer is that we need to love ourselves first! Not in a selfish, it is all about me kind of way. But the healthy kind. When you know who you are, what you stand for, and where you are going. You love your skin that you are in and you treat yourself with respect.
THEN, the world doesn't have such power over you to drag you into thinking in world's way, or acting in the world's way.
I am not naive, although a lot of people think that Mormons are. I know it is important to educate my children about sex. But that is my job to do in my home, to ensure that it is taught right. Not somebody else's view of a healthy sex life. As we can all see, the world's view of a "healthy" sex life, really doesn't turn out that great.
Laurel, I can't tell you how much I wish we could be friends in real life! I so admire you. The concept of feminism gets me so fired up sometimes. In some ways, I believe in it - I believe that a woman should be able to choose what she wants to do with her life, and that she should have the same opportunities as men. I would have been right there with you during the sufferage movement. I'm all for breaking glass ceilings. But now, instead of being held back by men, women are held back by each other. Women fought for my right to choose, who are they to tell me my choice to stay home with my (imagined) kids is wrong? And in my opinion, dismissing femininity as weakness is actually discounting our greatest strength. I wish more people understood the Plan of Salvation and how Heavenly Father sees men and women and their gender roles. See, I get all worked up.
Also, thanks for welcoming my sister into the blog world! She could use a mentor like you right now, plus, she's pretty freaking awesome, if I do say so myself.
And that is why my girls have VERY limited access to media. VERY limited. Virtually ALL the messages are lies.
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