Families: Can We Do Better?

The other night I sat down to watch Supernanny, which I secretly call "brainwashing hour." My kids love the show--Logan has described herself as a Supernanny "fan"--and I love that for an hour I get to say things like, "Wow! That is such ugly behaviour! I'm so glad you guys don't act like that. Goodness! No one in that family seems happy. See what happens when we don't have rules?" You get the idea. And my kids are right on board: "He should not be doing that! That is dangerous! He's old enough to know better!" Ahhh...Brainwashing never sounded so sweet.

But I decided I had better preview last week's episode. The premise was that Supernanny would enter a home where the parents were determining to divorce and help the children navigate those rough waters. I thought it would be pretty heavy stuff for my kids to watch. Turns out, it was pretty heavy stuff for me to watch.

Truly, it was like watching a tragedy unfold in front of my eyes. Now, I realize I have no concept of the ins and outs of that particular marriage, but it seemed strange that neither of the adults could convey any sort of concrete reason for divorcing, not to the kids and not to each other. The dad lamely said, "I've just given everything to everyone else for so long, there's nothing left for me." My thought: Does this justify throwing a bomb into your family?

Now, I am not one to say that divorce should never be an option. On the contrary I think that there are circumstances where it is the only option. In cases of abuse, physical or emotional, get yourself out of there. And a mother who stays with a man who abuses her kids is just as liable as the abuser in my opinion. However, that said, I would argue that divorce happens too often and unnecessarily at that.

Watching these two parents on tv trying to explain to their kids how their lives were going to completely change but somehow miraculously "stay the same" was so heart wrenching I had to turn it off. I hope the best for that family; I really do. But even with the best of circumstances in a divorce, it is never the best version of family, at least not for the children.

The best family situation is for kids to live with a mother and father who love them and love each other. Yes, I know that doesn't always happen. I know that situations are complex. But I still have to ask: Is that so impossible? Can't we, the adults, do better?

It reminds me of a conversation I had a few weeks ago while at a kid's birthday party. While the children played, the moms made small talk. I spent a great deal of time talking to a mother of one of Logan's schoolmates whom I don't know all that well, but we seemed to hit it off. Somewhere along the conversation she spoke of her ex-husband, her daughter's father. I don't recall all the specifics of the conversation, but this phrase will not leave me. She said, "If I knew then what I know now we probably would still be together. He's a good man."

I do not think she is alone. I've heard versions of that phrase too many times to think that. What I really think is that maybe we, as a society, have been brainwashed a little ourselves. I think maybe we expect a fairytale when the truth is, marriage is the hardest work we'll ever do--The most rewarding, but the hardest, nonetheless. I think maybe we think if we had married a "soul mate" life would be easier, happier, more romantic, when the truth is there is no "perfect" person out there; no one can "complete" us. I think maybe the grass looks greener on the other side, when the truth is the grass over there is just different and still has issues to face.

I know this is a sensitive topic, but we are fighting for our families. There is nothing more important. It's worthy of great thought and great discussion.