Why I Hate Flying

I have been out of town again! I think it is time to take the wings off my heels and be still for awhile. Home is a good place to be.

Having spent a long weekend in California, I can attest to one true thing: I do not like to fly. The whole experience is unsatisfying to me. My trip home will sum it up.

I waited in the security line for one hour and 5 minutes. When I finally made it to the front, I could see my gate. The plane was loading; there was a hope that I might just make it, especially when the boarding pass checker ushered me into the first class line. I was feeling lucky for a few seconds until the first class line was stopped while they checked 3 wheelchair bound people and their families through. It would have gone a lot smoother if they would have had both metal detectors up and working, but that would have made too much sense. So, because I always get in the slowest moving line, my first class experience was second best as it turned out.

Out of frustration I said to the blue-tooth and suit wearing man behind me, "Kind of ridiculous today, huh?"

"It's working OK for me," he replied coldly.

"Really?! I've been in line an hour!"

"Your kidding?"

"No. See that line that snakes all the way around down there?" pointing to the rest of my coach sharing passengers, at least those I could see without using binoculars.

And then he said, and I quote, "Well, you should have paid more money."

Snobbery like that doesn't sit well with me. I laughed out loud. "Oh, yeah! I should have paid more money!" As in "Why didn't I think of that!"

"You've got to know your worth it."

"Oh! I KNOW I'm worth it. That's not the problem, believe me."

He bugged. Pompous ass.

Then security had to search my bag. They opened it, and, of course, my underwear was on top. Nice. Do you know that at some airports they want you to carry your plastic bag of mini-toiletries through security? They are called toiletries because they are supposed to be private! AND what kind of facial products come in 3 oz. sizes? Seriously.

I also hate walking through that thing barefoot. I just know I'm catching athlete's foot the whole time. It's gross.

Ever noticed how everything is getting smaller on the airplanes? Like the seats and my micro bag of peanuts. I think there might have been three nuts total. Yum. Why even bother?

And if they are that cheap, how do I know they aren't cutting corners elsewhere? Like nuts, bolts, engines, that sort of thing. Basically I am of the belief that we human beings should not be that far off the ground anyway. I always have to say a little prayer during take off. It goes a little something like this: "Please bless this hunk of metal. I do not want to die today." And it is repeated until my blood pressure settles. It's not poetic, but it is sincere. When we finally land I am always relieved. That is until we have to stand in another long line waiting for the doors to finally open. And what is it with the people who can not wait their turn?

So yes, I need to stop traveling for a while. It's making me grouchy. Maybe I just need to go shopping and throw my big wads of money around for awhile. After all, I've got to know I'm worth it.

Me and the Pioneers: Looks Like we Made It

I am back in the land of my birth. We made it!! Even though I was dumb enough to leave SLC yesterday at 4 pm. Why? No good reason except that I am stupid. So that meant that we pulled into my mom's driveway at 1:30 am. Great thing though was that I wasn't even tired. See? That is the benefit of sleeping late and not hurrying out the door.

Highlights of our trip:
1. Buying fireworks in Evanston,Wyoming.
They've got it all! My kids are going to freak out over some silly
sparklers, bottle rockets, fountains and cakes. Can't wait!

2. Stopping for Sonic drinks in Rock Springs. Logan spotted the sign long before I did and directed me to it.

3. Our peepee stop 40 miles outside of Lander.

4. Following a rainstorm and savoring the sweet smell of wet earth, hay, and alfalfa.

5. Seeing the lights of my hometown.

6. Hearing my mom say, "You just sleep as long as you want tomorrow."

7. Waking to the sound of my children playing with their grandma.

A Funny Anecdote from our Trip:
As mentioned above, about 30 miles outside of Lander Griffin begins to wail, "I need to go POTTY!"

"Well, Griff, we've got to get to the next town, or I can stop and you can go outside."

"I don't want to go outside!" He's not happy.

"Well, you're going to have to hold it then."

"I HAVE-- to GO-- POTTY!"

"Okay! I'm pulling over and you are going to have to just go!"

I find a little turn out, open the doors and order him outside. As I'm getting him out of his seat I discover that he has been sitting in half of his Sonic Blue Coconut Cream Slush for approximately 1/2 hour. Delightful.

So he exits the other door while I use our supply of wet wipes on damage control. Logan, his sister, decides she needs to go to and joins him outside. I finish sopping up the mess and dig through our suitcases to find him new clothes. It was at this moment that I realize there is no way I can make 40 miles either. I NEED to go POTTY,
too!

Now, it has been many, many years since I have peed roadside, but I rationalize that it doesn't really count in Wyoming because, if you've ever driven the state's highways, you realize that there is little to zero traffic. I justify that it really could be considered camping. However, it's not something I necessarily want my children to witness because I will never hear the end of it, or, in all likelihood, neither will our friends.

"Okay, guys, get your jammies on." I get them sidetracked, look both ways for oncoming traffic (none for miles and miles), and squat. (I know. Not a great visualization.)

Next thing I know I hear Logan say, "MO-O-O-O-M! What are you doing?"

There is no way I can be distinguished in this situation, but I try. "I'm trying to go potty."

"Mom. You're such a...(I wait for it.)...pioneer!"

Relief! It could have been so much worse.

And you know what? She might be kind of right. I did travail cross country with two children and no husband. I encountered my own hardships to be sure. After all I narrowly avoided hitting 1 cow, 1 calf, 5 deer, 8 rabbits, 2 mice and 1 raccoon last night. And worst of all...the third part of my book on tape did not download to myIPod correctly. At 11 pm, that discovery was a tragedy of epic proportion. And like Brigham, I thought with relief as I pulled into town, "This is the place."

However, unlike the pioneers I have to turn around and do it all over again in 14 days. Poor me! Good thing I've got horsepower,IPod, TV, air conditioning, and drive-through. Yeah, I'm a real pioneer alright!