Retreating

Blogging for 4 years has revealed some things to me about myself.  The first being my consistency for inconsistency...but I already knew that, so that's not really a revelation.  But what I didn't know about myself is that when life punches me in the gut--or even jabs with its left a little--I retreat somewhere inside myself.  Not forever, but for a little while.

When the earth suddenly shifts, I am not ready to talk about it.  Not really to anyone.  Not in depth.  I just need to think.  To find that sure place inside me while the initial shock sorts out and the remaining dust settles around me.  That's where I've been for a little while.  Someplace quiet, waiting for things to settle.

We are in the midst of job changes again.  AGAIN.  (Argh)  Poor Mr. Wicke is the hardest working man I know, but these last few years have been a struggle.  (What?  Not just us?)  This time, due to government cutbacks (which we support, by the way) the research project of which he has been apart for Homeland Security--which was supposed to be a 6-year $4 million dollar grant--disappeared with government cutting educational research by 81%.  For us that means that about half of our income disappeared with it.  We have about 6 months to figure this out.

Did you feel the earth shift?  Shhhh...I need to think.

I've even gotten a little quiet with God.  Probably not a great thing, but like I told Him in prayer, I don't know how to pray about this any more.  I'm tired...and the words get all jumbled up with frustration.  I'm figuring it out in that quiet place inside me.  When I get clear, I will be ready to speak.  Maybe that is what all this quiet is about...just listening.  Hearing in the stillness.

Or maybe it's pride...
and anger...

Maybe it's all of it all at the same time.  That's what I mean about settling.  I'm waiting to see what remains when all those emotions fall away and I can hear my guiding voice again.  It's still there.  Somewhere inside myself.